Support and support systems are a topic I approach early on when I start sessions with someone. Pragmatically, anyone after the services of a therapist is looking for support. No one ends up in a therapy session of any sort unless they judge they need it. For some, this may be the entry point to the notion itself of “support system”.
Do you have a support system?
What is it made of?
Who is part of it?
Are there missing parts?
When did you last review it?
When you look at the different meanings of the word “support”, as a verb or a noun, one is “to endure bravely or quietly, to bear”. The inference is that we rely on ourselves, our own resilience and strength to get us through whatever we’re facing. The other end of the spectrum is that, at times, we all need external support of some sort from others. That’s where “support” can also mean “to help, to assist, to advocate, to keep something / someone going”.
Independence and agency are important but it never meant that we’re supposed to do it all on our own and never rely on anyone else. If you consider some spiritual figures, teachers and leaders such as Buddha or Jesus, even they didn’t become who they were by themselves. They were surrounded and supported by many people over time. No one is above this which, if we acknowledge it, grounds us back into humility.
Whether we’re the one giving support, asking for it, or receiving; this isn’t a topic we can truly explore from a distance. We have to get personal and assess support with self-awareness in the context of our own life and circumstances.
Let’s say, you’re the one “giving support” or “being asked to provide support”. As it would be in my case professionally as a therapist, but also maybe personally, as a friend or as a daughter, for instance. The questions important to ask and to not answer quickly are:
What kind of support do they actually want? Which may not be what they need.
What kind of support am I willing to give and provide? And to what extent.
What is my capacity for supporting someone else right now, given where I am at?
Am I the right person for them or what they’re asking for?
Am I willing to bear the responsibility of being the supporter in the situation?
Am I willing to have an open conversation about all this with the person?
Starting with this scenario is intentional because it demonstrates that the person coming to you for support has already done some introspective work and established a few things:
They have difficulties they don’t believe they can either make a decision about or solve on their own.
They have reviewed who in their circle seem the right person to ask for help and decided that this person is you - and maybe others too.
They trust you enough to reach out and verbalise their need for assistance or advice.
As simple as this may seem, it takes self-awareness and courage on their part.
Can you do the same?
The reality is that we all have at least one area in our life where we could benefit from some support. Some questions worth being asked and reflected upon are:
Where am I struggling right now and feel like I need some assistance?
What kind of support do I need?
What can I do to help myself?
Where and from whom can I potentially get external support?
Who do I trust in the matter that I am struggling with?
Is it something I have struggled with in the past and if so how did I go about it before?
This self assessment may lead you in many different directions and it’s not about opening Pandora’s box. These are questions you may even postpone contemplating until you actually explore them with a professional “support” person.
What’s to be highlighted here is that support not only requires our participation and self cognisance, it also demands a level of education. Most people are not taught how to self assess. It isn’t not innate for them to pause and ask themselves: “what do I need right now?”. This is the one question I get every person I work with to reflect upon, at every session. Sometimes the person can address their own answers, by themselves. But not always.
Receiving. This is the final facet of support which is critical to consider yet is often overlooked. These are important and not so easy considerations which too require honest self examination:
Are you open and receptive to getting support?
Are you welcoming support with an attitude of gratitude?
Are you on subconscious mission to sabotage yourself and everyone else’s attempts to try to help you?
Do you feel worthy of being supported?
Before we conclude, let’s examine spirituality as part of our “support system”. For transparency sake, I’d like to mention that I was brought up as an atheist. No mention of God or the Divine, no religious education whatsoever. Spirituality came to my life much later, in my twenties. With it came “prayers” and the recognition that we all have a “spiritual team that loves and supports us unconditionally”. When one needs support, this is excellent news. Pray with your heart and soul. Ask your inner team to help you. And then be open to receive. This at the simplest level doesn’t require self-awareness, education, money or any intermediary. It’s all happening at a soul level and it is free as well as always available to you, no matter what.
There is a lot more to develop and expand on here which we’ll explore in forthcoming newsletters. The importance to know and to recognise what you need and to ask for it, is what I hope you’ll take away from the above.